walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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