A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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