I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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