Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
