Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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