onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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