Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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