Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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