Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
