First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
