she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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