Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
