He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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