Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
