I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
