How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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