Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
