I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
