..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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