I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I wish there were birth control emojis
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
