It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
