If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
