oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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