there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
