Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
