About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
