dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
