If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
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