My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize