my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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