i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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