can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Life without a bra equals bliss.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
