I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
