I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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