i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
