Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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