im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
