I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
