Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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