I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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