All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
