I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
