oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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