Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
