you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
