My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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