apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
