she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
