I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
