If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
