at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
