I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
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