I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
