so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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