When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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