I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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