you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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